For my mother, who always says, “I’m not sure what you believe now…”
Open me up and tell me what’s wrong with me.
When I was nine, I was baptized. I thought I understood what it all meant at the time, but now that I look back, I realize that I understood as much as a nine-year-old could – which was probably wrong. I was raised Baptist and grew up with multiple Bibles in my house. That’s not to mean my family was strictly religious. No, there were curse words and other sins more frequent than other families. But Christianity was always there. When the topic came up, it was a wholehearted conversation about God’s love and blessings. Church was on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. We even had a church family.
I’ve always said things I never mean which I guess takes meaning away from powerful words. I think a couple times in my life I actually felt the Holy Spirit, but it was always in short bursts. It never lasted. I become obsessed with things for a little while, and then I grow bored of them. There isn’t a specific time or moment I can pinpoint where I “lost my faith” because then I would be admitting that I had it to begin with. I think I had some version of it as a child. I do remember going through an atheist phase during my teenage years and later agnostic. A couple years ago I called myself a “non-practicing Christian”. Now I’m not sure what to believe. I’m very open, just not committed. I hate commitment. I believe God exists, but I also believe in luck, the universe, and some superstitions. So what does that make me? I hate church environments; which probably stems from my introverted nature. I’m the only one in my family that feels this way. The rest are devout Christians that love church. They don’t understand anything less. This outsider feeling doesn’t bother me so much anymore – if anything, I just become annoyed when they start talking about how everything in life points to God and we need to go to church every Sunday. You’d think they would realize by now that the more they try to force something down my throat, the farther away they push me. I just want to be left alone.
The world is obsessed with labels. How about I just be? Why do I need a label?
“What you are is what you have been. What you’ll be is what you do now.”
“Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else.”